Jetlag

Jet lag

In the morning when

my body knows it should be awake

but lives in the twilight

of another time zone

Vivid

creations?

subconscious fears, details of the day gone

blown into surreal vignettes

refracted, perverse, beautiful

painted flashes of purple and green

the negatives of a sea of unsettled clouds, these dreams

We’re in a hotel, somewhere far from home

i need to shave my underarms, my mother reminds me

女らしくない、Not Ladylike

i bite back everything i want to say about

Reshaping Oppressive Beauty Standards

because

she wouldn’t get it, and that’s ok

she doesn’t live within the tumblr threads that untangle the

Insidious Ideological Violence

against our bodies

and because

Feminine goes down much smoother than Feminist

down compliant, silent, domestic

throats— Smile! when you swallow your tongue

to make room for his

because

she just wants me to look

Respectable,きちんとね

and because

i’ve internalized it too, and that’s ok

this is the stuff we pass on

i go to the bathroom to take care of myself

with the tender touch of self-hating care

the twitching, purplegreen bruised kind

that slicks away at defiant hair

Suddenly the smell of fear

we’re leaving— it’s not safe here

the armpits are forgotten

one unladylike, one unnatural, (you can’t get both)

faint news of teargas, broken glass,

outside? far away?

no one can say

my mother has with her a little girl

she’s maybe four, with parted hair in curls

and large eyes, more pupils than whites

two dark, staring circles

into a maze of circling stairs until

a crowded platform with cold lights

my unshaved underarm bothers me

and then it bothers me that it bothers me

i refocus on following my mother through the crowd

echoes of an older time

we need to get on the last train

i lose my mother and the girl

in the blackpurpleblack

splotches everywhere

amid the swarm

in my eyes that can’t see, my throat that can’t scream

the worst part of any dream

but then we’re together again

on the train, my mom unfazed, the dots beginning to fade

she’s saying something to me, smiling—

ああよかった、りさ抱っこせんかっても！Phew, I didn’t have to carry youtoo!

it’s a stupid thing to say

i laugh

it’s ok, this is the stuff you pass on

i take the girl from her arms

pulsing, redpurpleorange, the outline of my mother then

who looks older somehow

weaker, human

the shift of responsibility, of perception,

it’s terrifying

There’s an older woman next to us,

grocery bearing, hat wearing— wise

caught in the humdrum of her everyday

in this strange train car with us

she gives a pained smile,

the smile of an also-mother, tired, kind,

she’s part of us now, as happens

with strangers chanced together

the kinship of the cataclysmic, born from the

Out Of The Ordinary moments

the warmth of knowing

we’re in an Unusual Situation

Together

the sun is setting, uneasy twilight

the crowd is gone, it’s a quiet

quivering, shade of redbrownblue

the train slows

to another time zone

weary, womb-like

the girl looks up at me

with those dark, wide eyes

are we safe now?